In my 14 years of experience as a psychotherapist I have gathered through active listening that the elements of unwanted thoughts and feelings that keep many individuals feeling mentally unhealthy are the elements of core shame, guilt, fear, as well as the feeling and belief of being a burden to others. This article focuses on what core shame is and how it keeps us from a healthy and thriving mindset.
Core shame and shame that is justified are not the same. Shame that is justified originates from actions that a person chooses to take that does not align with the person's owm value system and can be harmful to that person and/or others who are involved. For example, actions such as cheating or lying. Core shame is different. Core shame comes from experiences in which someone else made a person feel rejected, not valued as a human, or not lovable. These experiences stimulate the same area of the brain that is activated during moments of experiencing pain.
Most often core shame is rooted in childhood experiences based on negative reactions a person received from parental figures, other family members, teachers, coaches, peers, etc that caused a person as a child to feel unwanted or not good enough. Core shame does not have to develop in our childhoods. It can begin in situations people have encountered with others in their adult lives. People who have endured experiences with neglect, emotional abuse, physical abuse, and sexual abuse are also at risk of developing core shame. Core shame often comes from experiences in highly critical and/or abusive environments in which a person is repeatedly being told that what a person is doing is wrong and not enough. This type of human experience can create a harsh inner voice for the person who has endured the criticism leading to the develop of negative core beliefs that linger and ruminate on a constant basis conveying self statements such as, "I am not good enough", "I am not enough", "it's never enough". This becomes the negative core belief that develops as a coping or survival mechanism to protect the person from another highly anticipated experience of criticism.
Core shame can impact individuals in various ways. For some people the slightest feelings of shame can start to evoke angry responses which can be damaging to relationships and self image. Other people may turn to other forms of self sabotaging behaviors such as substance abuse and other addictions to try to escape unwanted thoughts and feelings of shame. Unhealthy perfectionism can also be associated with toxic core shame.
Research in the field of neuroscience has proven that the brain can change. We have the power to change the ruminating thoughts that are often experienced when core shame, trauma, anxiety, and depression has an active presence. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is one example of a treatment modality that can help individuals identify irrational core beliefs, learn to challenge these core beliefs, and reframe negative thoughts in order to rewire the brain and change one's mindset about one's self, others, and the world. Mindfulness can also be used to help recognize what our thoughts are saying about us. Paying attention to our thoughts for 1-3 minutes a day or for a few minutes a few times a day if possible can help us realize our inner dialogue and self criticisms. Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) helps people work through shame by teaching people how to identify their emotions and how to self-soothe when needed. Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) is also helpful for addressing core shame. ACT teaches people how to become more aware of core shame and how to practice self-compassion and self-acceptance. ACT also teaches people how to identify personal values and goals as well as how to take action steps toward living a life that aligns with those values and goals to foster healing from core shame.
If you are experiencing the consequences and inner dialogue of living with core shame, consider the help of a trained therapist who can guide you on how to calm these survival responses and support your healing process toward a more fulfilling mindset and lifestyle.
About the Author:
Kerry Duarte, LICSW, CIMHP is the founder and owner of Ray of Light Wellness LLC. She is a Licensed Independent Clinical Social Worker and Certified Integrative Mental Health Provider. She is also a trauma informed therapist. Kerry Duarte, LICSW, CIMHP uses treatment strategies grounded in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), Solution Focused Therapy, Mindfulness, and inner child work to foster a healthier mindset, promote motivation, and boost self love and self esteem.
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